Seeking relationship counseling for African American couples
Couples therapy can be a powerful tool for healing and reconnection, so much so that research shows around 70% of couples experience positive outcomes (1). But while therapy holds promise, getting started can feel daunting.
For Black couples, or those in interracial relationships, the process can carry additional emotional weight. Historical trauma, cultural taboos, and lived experiences of racism and discrimination often weave themselves into the fabric of relationships, and too often, traditional therapy spaces are ill-equipped to fully hold that complexity.
To better understand the nuances of relationship counseling for African-American couples, we spoke with Wande Ogunkoya Tenc, a therapist at Resilience Lab. In this conversation, she shares insights on what makes culturally competent therapy so important, the unique challenges Black couples may face, and how counseling can offer not just conflict resolution but also deeper connection, shared healing, and growth.
Can you provide a brief overview of how relationship counseling works?
At its core, relationship counseling aims to help couples recognize and release their cycle of conflict, also coined as 'their dysfunctional dance', and reconnect again, utilizing effective communication and behavioral techniques to address each partner’s unmet needs.
Some common evidence-based approaches are Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), The Gottman Method, Imago Couples Therapy, and Cognitive-Behavioral Couples Therapy (CBCT), each with its own framework to serve as a guide to treat relationship issues.
It's often common that each partner carries unresolved childhood wounds that contribute to relationship discord. Couples therapy can be a way of bringing these attachment injuries into the light and helping partners realize how their individual histories highly influence how they operate in their present-day partnership.
What are some of the key aspects of African American relationship counseling, and what can make it different from traditional counseling approaches?
Every relationship is as unique and complex as the people who participate in it. What may set African-American relationship counseling apart from other relationship counseling is simply the issues that African-Americans face in America. The extensiveness and historical depth of racism and white supremacy largely traumatizes the Black experience. This truth will undoubtedly hold space in any therapeutic experience for a Black person, including that of couples therapy.
Why is it important for Black couples to work with culturally competent therapists?
It is important for African-American couples to work with culturally competent therapists because the single most important tool in any therapy, including couples therapy, is the therapeutic relationship characterized by mutual respect, unconditional positive regard, nonjudgment, and empathy.
The client-therapist relationship is more important than any specific modality or theoretical framework used to treat clinical issues. Therefore, if a couple works with a clinician who is limited and closed to understanding their culture and the common themes of being Black in America, there may be a higher likelihood that the therapeutic relationship will be limited in deep rapport building and trust. Race and experiences with racism are critical factors for a clinician to embody humility when working with African-American couples (2).
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What does the counseling process typically look like for African American couples coming to therapy for the first time?
I imagine that the process will look different for each individual. Some partners may have a history and comfort level with individual therapy, making the introduction to couples therapy more familiar.
Those entering couples therapy with no previous therapy experience may have a higher level of skepticism, discomfort, and distrust. Others may enter couples therapy with a high level of desperation for help, but find that they feel a sense of relief once they've arrived at a place of support. It's very individualized.
Nonetheless, the counseling process can be relatively uniform in that the clinician spends a good amount of time gaining an understanding of the couple's presenting problems, explaining how they feel therapy can be helpful, and instilling a sense of hope.
Premarital counselling can be a positive introduction to therapy. How can it help Black couples build a stronger foundation for marriage?
For Black couples, premarital counseling can serve as an opportunity to strengthen communication skills, identify conflict styles, and allow partners to gain a deeper understanding of one another on a wide range of topics like finances, religion, role expectations, and future plans.
Many Black couples are also internationally multi-cultural, so premarital work can help to look at how these cultures may overlap, conflict, and impact home life. Premarital counseling can be a space where Black couples are brought into awareness of how race-related matters, like discrimination, can negatively affect how they view society, themselves, and their partners.
Engagement in premarital counseling can also contribute to a deeper understanding of attachment histories, racial identities, and other experiences, which can make for enriching partnership communication.
What are some of the most common challenges African American couples face in relationships today?
African-American couples are susceptible to the same wide range of challenges as the majority of other couples: communication issues, trust issues, difficulties resolving conflict, challenges with intimacy, financial disagreements, different parenting styles, problematic boundaries with in-laws, and the impact of addiction. What can be considered distinct with American-Americans is the historical overlay of trauma that systemic racism and white supremacy have had on the Black experience.
How can race, racial trauma, or discrimination impact romantic relationships between Black partners?
When considered through an attachment lens, race, racial trauma, and discrimination can reinforce the bond between partners in the face of race-based distress. In his book, Emotionally Focused Therapy with African American Couples, Dr. Paul T. Guillory illustrates an incredible folktale where, during a slave trade voyage, Africans found comfort in the voices of one another despite the horrific, terrifying capture they had endured and the dark future that lay ahead. Historically, Black partners have needed to bond with each other even in the face of fear, rape, beatings, loss, and death (3). Current-day racism and discrimination are also uniquely traumatic and can still lead Black couples to foster and find comfort in a shared reality or a "we-ness".
Contrarily, internalized racism, where individuals accept and believe negative stereotypes and messaging about their racial or ethnic group, can contribute to lower levels of relationship satisfaction among Black partners. For example, one partner in the relationship may attempt to stifle the feeling of anger due to the negative stereotype of being an 'angry Black person' whereas the other partner may have a more comfortable, confident relationship with their feeling of anger, believing less in the stereotype and identifying more with the freedom of the human experience. The two differences can lead to a tension of discomfort and shame that on the surface may seem like a personal issue, but at the root, is yet another conflict birthed by systemic racism, white supremacy, racial discrimination, and stereotypes.
How can couples overcome generational taboos or stigma around seeking help? And what can a partner do if their other half doesn't want to seek counseling?
Overcoming stigma around seeking help is largely combated through building trust. In their 2015 study, Vaterlaud, Skogrand, and Chaney discovered that African-American couples were more likely to go to couples counseling if they trusted who the recommendation came from, typically from immediate or extended family or a person tied to their religion or spirituality (4). With word of mouth being a common entry point for mental health support, one positive therapeutic experience can combat deep histories of taboo and stigma. Additionally, social media is doing a phenomenal job of breaking down barriers to mental health treatment, allowing for more (Black) voices that champion mental health support to rise to the surface and reach more people.
It’s also common that of the two partners entering couples counseling, one partner is more hesitant than the other. Early into my couples counseling education, a mentor explained that resistance should be normalized and welcomed. In the initial intake session with the couple, it can be useful to name the 'elephant in the room' and welcome its presence while also stating that, for couples counseling to be most effective, ‘staying in the ring’ and fully participating is paramount. If a partner continues to experience a high level of resistance, it may be helpful for them to also seek out individual therapy to ensure they have a safe space to process their resistance, as doing so in couples therapy can be counterintuitive to the process.
What should couples look for when choosing a therapist who truly understands the African American experience?
Though it is not a must that an African-American couple solely seek out a Black therapist, it is crucial that they seek out a clinician who prizes cultural humility and who is not afraid to allow racial stress and its negative impact to be named explicitly. One single African-American experience does not exist. Therefore, no matter who is offering support, it's important that they display a high level of openness to explore and curiosity to understand the experience of each partner individually and collectively.
Taking that first step toward therapy can feel uncertain, but it can also be transformative. However, finding a culturally competent therapist who truly understands the layered impact of race, culture, and identity is essential. Healing begins with being seen and heard. Whether you're seeking to strengthen your connection, navigate conflict, or simply grow together, therapy can be a safe and affirming space to do just that.
Find a therapist who gets you and start your search for culturally competent care today.
References
- Research on the treatment of couple distress - PubMed (January 2012)
- Understanding African American help-seeking for romantic relationships: Advocacy, barriers, and considerations (February 2024)
- Emotionally focused therapy with African American couples: Love heals. (2022)
- Help-seeking for marital problems: Perceptions of individuals in strong African American marriages. (2015)